In this state of mind, the best I could think of was to get at the truth of it all from the people called philosophers; they of course would be able to give it me.  So I selected the best of them, if solemnity of visage, pallor of complexion and length of beard are any criterion -- for there could not be a moment's doubt of their soaring words and heaven-high thoughts -- and in their hands I placed myself.  For a considerable sum down, and more to be paid when they should have perfected me in wisdom, I was to be made an airy metaphysician and instructed in the order of the universe.  Unfortunately, so far from dispelling my previous ignorance, they perplexed me more and more, with their daily drenches of beginnings and ends, atoms and voids, matters and forms.  My greatest difficulty was that, though they differed among themselves, and all they said was full of inconsistency and contradiction, they expected me to believe them, each pulling me in his own direction.

Then, how reasonable and modest of them, dealing with subjects so debatable, to issue their views without a hint of uncertainty; thus it must be and it shall be ... they will have it so; they will tell you on oath the sun is a molten mass, the moon inhabited, and the stars water-drinkers, moisture being drawn up by the sun's rope and bucket and equitably distributed among them.

How their theories conflict is soon apparent; next-door neighbours? no, they are miles apart.  In the first place, their views of the world differ.  Some say it had no beginning, and cannot end; others boldly talk of its creator and his procedure; what particularly entertained me was that these latter set up a contriver of the universe, but fail to mention where he came from, or what he stood on while about his elaborate task, though it is by no means obvious how there could be place or time before the universe came into being.

As to Gods, I need hardly deal with that question.  For some of them God is a number; some swear by dogs and geese and plane-trees.  Some again banish all other Gods, and attribute the control of the universe to a single one; I got rather depressed on learning how small the supply of divinity was.  But I was comforted by the lavish souls who not only make many, but classify; there was a First God, and second and third classes of divinity.  Yet again, some regard the divine nature as unsubstantial and without form, while others conceive it as a substance.  Then they were not all disposed to recognize a Providence; some relieve the Gods of all care, as we relieve the superannuated of their civic duties; in fact, they treat them exactly like supernumeraries on the stage.  The last step is also taken, of saying that Gods do not exist at all, and leaving the world to drift along without a master or a guiding hand.

Well, when I heard all this, I dared not disbelieve people whose voices and beards were equally suggestive of Zeus.  But I knew not where to turn for a theory that was not open to exception, nor combated by one as soon as propounded by another.  I found myself in the state Homer has described; many a time I would vigorously start believing one of these gentlemen; 

But then came second thoughts.

Getting safely to the bottom that time, my aspirations shot up aloft.  I took to starting from Parnes or Hymettus, flying to Geranea, thence to the top of the Acrocorinthus, and over Pholoe and Erymanthus to Taygetus.  The training for my venture was now complete; my powers were developed, and equal to a lofty flight; no more fledgeling essays for me.  I went up Olympus, provisioning myself as lightly as possible.  The moment was come; I soared skywards, giddy at first with that great void below, but soon conquering this difficulty.  When I approached the Moon, long after parting from the clouds, I was conscious of fatigue, especially in the left or vulture's wing.  So I alighted and sat down to rest, having a bird's-eye view of the Earth, like the Homeric Zeus, 

Surveying now the Thracian horsemen's land, 
Now Mysia, 

Imagine yourself first descrying a tiny Earth, far smaller than the Moon looks; on turning my eyes down, I could not think for some time what had become of our mighty mountains and vast sea.  If I had not caught sight of the Colossus of Rhodes and the Pharus tower, I assure you I should never have made out the Earth at all.  But their height and projection, with the faint shimmer of Ocean in the sun, showed me it must be the Earth I was looking at.  Then, when once I had got my sight properly focused, the whole human race was clear to me, not merely in the shape of nations and cities, but the individuals, sailing, fighting, ploughing, going to law; the women, the beasts, and in short every breed 'that feedeth on earth's foison [bounty].'....

To join the Gods, where dwells the Lord of storms.

'You have only to name it,' I said, 'provided it is not something to carry.' 

'It is a simple message of entreaty to Zeus.  I am tired to death, you must know, of being slandered by these philosophers; they have no better occupation than impertinent curiosity about me -- What am I? how big am I? why am I halved? why am I gibbous?  I am inhabited; I am just a mirror hung over the sea; I am -- whatever their latest fancy suggests.  It is the last straw when they say my light is stolen, sham, imported from the sun, and keep on doing their best to get up jealousy and ill feeling between brother and sister.  They might have been contented with making him out a stone or a red-hot lump.

'These gentry who in the day look so stern and manly, dress so gravely, and are so revered by common men, would be surprised to learn how much I know of their vile nightly abominations.  I see them all, though I never tell; it would be too indecent to make revelations, and show up the contrast between their nightly doings and their public performances; so, if I catch one of them in adultery or theft or other nocturnal adventure, I pull my cloud veil over me; I do not want the vulgar to see old men disgracing their long beards and their virtuous calling.  But they go on giving tongue and worrying me all the same, and, so help me Night, I have thought many a time of going a long, long way off, out of reach of their impertinent tongues.  Will you remember to tell Zeus all this? and you may add that I cannot remain at my post unless he will pulverize the physicists, muzzle the logicians, raze the Porch, burn the Academy, and put an end to strolling in the Lyceum.  That might secure me a little peace from these daily mensurations.'

'I will remember,' said I, and resumed my upward flight to Heaven, through 

A region where nor ox nor man had wrought.

But Zeus bent upon me a Titanic glance, awful, penetrating, and spoke:

Who art thou? where thy city? who thy kin?

Zeus smiled and slightly unbent his brow.  'What of Otus and Ephialtes now?' he said; 'here is Menippus scaling Heaven!  Well, well, for to-day consider yourself our guest.  To-morrow we will treat with you of your business, and send you on your way.'  And therewith he rose and walked to the acoustic centre of Heaven, it being prayer time.

As he went, he put questions to me about earthly affairs, beginning with, What was wheat a quarter in Greece? had we suffered much from cold last winter? and did the vegetables want more rain?  Then he wished to know whether any of Phidias's kin were alive, why there had been no Diasia at Athens all these years, whether his Olympieum was ever going to be completed, and had the robbers of his temple at Dodona been caught?  I answered all these questions, and he proceeded:  -- 'Tell me, Menippus, what are men's feelings towards me?' 

'What should they be, Lord, but those of absolute reverence, as to the King of all Gods?' 

'Now, now, chaffing as usual,' he said; 'I know their fickleness very well, for all your dissimulation.  There was a time when I was their prophet, their healer, and their all, 

And Zeus filled every street and gathering-place.

So talking, we reached the spot where he was to sit and listen to the prayers.  There was a row of openings with lids like well-covers, and a chair of gold by each.  Zeus took his seat at the first, lifted off the lid and inclined his ear.  From every quarter of Earth were coming the most various and contradictory petitions; for I too bent down my head and listened.  Here are specimens.  'O Zeus, that I might be king!'  'O Zeus, that my onions and garlic might thrive!'  'Ye Gods, a speedy death for my father!'  Or again, 'Would that I might succeed to my wife's property!'  'Grant that my plot against my brother be not detected.'  'Let me win my suit.'  'Give me an Olympic garland.'  Of those at sea, one prayed for a north, another for a south wind; the farmer asked for rain, the fuller for sun.  Zeus listened, and gave each prayer careful consideration, but without promising to grant them all; 

Our Father this bestowed, and that withheld.

After that, he was free to give his wind and weather orders: -- Rain for Scythia to-day, a thunderstorm for Libya, snow for Greece.  The north wind he instructed to blow in Lydia, the west to raise a storm in the Adriatic, the south to take a rest; a thousand bushels of hail to be distributed over Cappadocia.

His work was now pretty well completed, and as it was just dinner time, we went to the banquet hall....  During dinner, Apollo harped, Silenus danced his wild measures, the Muses uprose and sang to us from Hesiod's Birth of Gods; and the first of Pindar's odes.  When we had our fill and had well drunken, we slumbered, each where he was.

Slept all the Gods, and men with plumed helms,
That livelong night; but me kind sleep forsook;

When all were gathered, he thus commenced:  -- 'The immediate occasion of my summoning you is the arrival of this stranger yesterday.  But I have long intended to take counsel with you regarding the philosophers, and now, urged by Selene and her complaints, I have determined to defer the consideration of the question no longer. 

'There is a class which has recently become conspicuous among men; they are idle, quarrelsome, vain, irritable, lickerish, silly, puffed up, arrogant, and, in Homeric phrase, vain cumberers of the earth.  These men have divided themselves into bands, each dwelling in a separate word-maze of its own construction, and call themselves Stoics, Epicureans, Peripatetics, and more farcical names yet.  Then they take to themselves the holy name of Virtue, and with uplifted brows and flowing beards exhibit the deceitful semblance that hides immoral lives; their model is the tragic actor, from whom if you strip off the mask and the gold-spangled robe, there is nothing left but a paltry fellow hired for a few shillings to play a part.

'Nevertheless, quite undeterred by their own characters, they scorn the human and travesty the divine; they gather a company of guileless youths, and feed them with solemn chatter upon Virtue and quibbling verbal puzzles; in their pupils' presence they are all for fortitude and temperance, and have no words bad enough for wealth and pleasure: when they are by themselves, there is no limit to their gluttony, their lechery, their licking of dirty pence.  But the head and front of their offending is this: they neither work themselves nor help others' work; they are useless drones,

Of no avail in council nor in war;

'Ask one of these brawling bawling censors, And what do you do? in God's name, what shall we call your contribution to progress? and he would reply, if conscience and truth were anything to him:  I consider it superfluous to sail the sea or till the earth or fight for my country or follow a trade; but I have a loud voice and a dirty body; I eschew warm water and go barefoot through the winter; I am a Momus who can always pick holes in other people's coats; if a rich man keeps a costly table or a mistress, I make it my business to be properly horrified; but if my familiar friend is lying sick, in need of help and care, I am not aware of it.  Such, your Godheads, is the nature of this vermin.

'There is a special insolence in those who call themselves Epicureans; these go so far as to lay their hands on our character; we take no interest in human affairs, they say, and in fact have nothing to do with the course of events.  And this is a serious question for you; if once they infect their generation with this view, you will learn what hunger means.  Who will sacrifice to you, if he does not expect to profit by it?  As to Selene's complaints, you all heard them yesterday from this stranger's lips.  And now decide upon such measures as shall advantage mankind and secure your own safety.'

Zeus had no sooner closed his speech than clamour prevailed, all crying at once:  Blast! burn! annihilate! to the pit with them! to Tartarus! to the Giants! 

Zeus ordered silence again, and then, 'Your wishes,' he said, 'shall be executed; they shall all be annihilated, and their logic with them.  But just at present chastisement is not lawful; you are aware that we are now in the four months of the long vacation; the formal notice has lately been issued.  In the spring of next year, the baleful levin-bolt shall give them the fate they deserve.'

He spake, and sealed his word with lowering brows.

So saying, he dismissed the assembly.  The Cyllenian accordingly lifted me up by the right ear, and yesterday evening deposited me in the Ceramicus. 

And now, friend, you have all the latest from Heaven.  I must be off to the Poecile, to let the philosophers loitering there know the luck they are in.